October 2008
bad to worse
just when I thought my day was bad enough
My best friend was put into an inpatient program with nothing more than a text of warning to say she wouldn’t be able to talk for a while.
I don’t know when she’s coming out.
Neither does she.
this is one of the worst days in my life so far.
almost illegal
i got right about
to the part
where i put the key
into the lock
the spare key
that i know the whereabouts of
because…
i’ve seen him use it
and he knows
i’m aware
of it’s hiding place
i even told him
jokingly, of course
that i might break in
if he wasn’t nice
i just
want to see things
from the other side
about the law
i’m thinking about
breaking the law
not in a drug sense
that’s no where near me
but
more along the lines of…
breaking and entering
into my neighbor’s house.
i know.
it’s too weird,
it’s too strange,
too stalkerish.
but
i can’t help but wonder…
what does he see?
when he looks out his window?
into mine?
can he see me?
the creases in...
how are you?
how am i?
i’m tired.
i’m tired of
fighting
headaches
sleep deprivation
piles of homework, that i never do
not dancing
having no best friend
having distant friends
worrying
feeling down
being depressed
feeling sorry for myself
destroying friendships
feeling worn out
eating too much
not quite remembering
so, how am i?
i’m tired.
fading away
slowly
day by day
just watch me
i just need ONE person to ask me if i’m okay
and mean it.
just one person to care enough to know:
i’m not okay
crashing
curled up in a ball
it feels so nice
to be still for a moment
not think about anything
not the war
not my best ex-best friend
not my homework, overflowing
not my worry enducing sister
not a distant friend
not my not love life
not the weather
not what to do
just breath and listen
to waves of sound
bumping up against my ear drums
crashing
slowly
till all that’s left
is the...
awakening
i woke up today
i made you angry
best friends no longer
not since
you and him
a year ago
in 10 days
you’ll have been together
yet with an angry spark
i split the last log
-to be horridly metephoric-
of the tree that was our friendship
it was my straw to pull
the last one to go
i angered you
my long best friend
i’m sorry
but retaliation was quick and quiet
thank you
...
forgiveness
i’ve been pondering lately the illusions of forgiveness
the issues that come with it
the connotations that arise
forgiveness is more than a feeling
it’s a projection of your mistake
through another person
it hurts
it heals
it rips
it peels
this time around
i wonder
if i could ever
get into my dream college
if i dropped a class.
i’ve never done it in my life.
straight A student
ish
but this year
with
friends gone
friends lost
friends leaving
it’s like
everything is crashing down
and this time
i can’t pick up the pieces
not all by myself
not this time
not now
“there are worse things than
being alone
but it often takes decades
to realize...”
the one person i would trust my life with
has not been mentioned
not really
here
she is
my best friend
a girl
a liberal
unique
brilliant
intelligent
advanced
so much more than wonderful
hard on herself
living a tough life
dealing with too much
a person i will always love
one person who’s opinion matters so highly
a heartbreaker
a lovemaker
a beat taker
the girl everyone falls for
the one you never see
...
struggling
i feel as if i’m under water
so deep
i can’t tell which direction is up
left and right don’t exist
top, an illusion
bottom, a fantasy
digging myself deeper
into the abyss of the ocean
a watery atmosphere
it’s hard to breath
way down here
in the deep blue sea
but i’m learning now
because i don’t think
i’m surfacing
till i can see the sun
the night will go as follows
nolan-
busy,
per usual.
girlfriends don’t help our friendship
martin-
not even worth the effort
it takes to pick up the phone
nick-
occupied,
jerk though he is
i still care
ry-
the boy next door
strolling round his house,
fourty degree weather,
muscular chest displayed in perfect form
seeping into my eyes at night
